Commercial Uses for Dinosaurs

November 20, 2008: Researchers at the University of Spaarenvaaltenaan in Neu Reuschenstrau in the Netherlands have successfully sequenced the DNA of a wooly mammoth found in Russia. This breakthrough could be the first step in "resurrecting" long-dead creatures by patching their incomplete genomes and bringing them back to life through the use of a modern host creature.

If we are to bring dinosaurs back to life, they will need to be commercially viable. Armies of eggheads could bring them back, but what's really difficult is figuring out how to turn a buck on 'em. I mean, the first one will be quite the tourist draw for whatever zoo or university beats everyone else to the punch, but after there are dozens of them, who cares? I mean, what does a dinosaur do, really? Smash things? Crush things in its giant mandibles (do dinosaurs have mandibles? are mandibles valuable?) and roar loadly? A little one-note. No, we will have to get creative in order to find a use for these mighty beasts.

Idea #1: Dinosaur Urban Assault Vehicles (DAUV, though a better acronym could be developed). Rather than have our brave young fighting men piloting steel vehicles through the hostile streets of enemy territory, what if we were able to option up some dinos for the task? There would be more than one trim level, with the base package being just the re-wired lizard, ready to be driven (they would be controlled through the use of a wireless handset, a la R/C cars or planes) all the way up to the top-of-the-line dinobot (possible trademark infringement, check Toyz R Us to verify) with back-mounted missiles, heated and cooled armor (to speed up or slow down the cold-blooded creature) and perhaps even a set of hifi speakers with which to play Ride of the Valkyries or something equally terrifying as it stomps its way into the hearts of our boys in uniform.

Idea #2: Dinosaur athletes. Think of it, total Olympic dominance for the country that develops them first. Olympic athletes must be humans, you say? That's racist. Pterodactyls lay waste to all long jump, high jump and pole vault records. Tyrannosaurus Rex doesn't need longer arms for soccer, and even if he did, you can't play too well if you've just been devoured by a T-Rex. Let Latvia whine - sweater technology would need to advance before the winter games would be threatened by snowboarding Velociraptors.

Idea #3: TV pitchmen. "Golden Acres Chicken is the best on the market. I would know; I eat 947lbs of it a day." Once the spots become oversaturated and Golden Acres decides to go another direction (note to self: do manatees eat chicken? Everyone loves manatees) sign him up for a reality TV show. How much better would Dancing With the Stars be if Fred Savage and Troy Aikman were bested by a stirring version of "Roxanne" by a 65 foot diplodocus wearing leather pants? Later, his descent into addiction and madness could be charted, Bonaduce-style, by E!